Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
