i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
