I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
