Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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