I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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