Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
