Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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