The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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