The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
