Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Randomize
