Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
