when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
