no, he came in my armpit
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
