Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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