my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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