life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
