I hate all girls vehemently.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
