"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
