My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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