some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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