Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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