I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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