glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
