just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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