I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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