matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
