i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
