I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
