The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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