ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
