Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
