At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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