Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
