so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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