i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
