Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
