He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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