in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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