I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
