I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
