Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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