Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just puked most of my soul out..
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
