just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
