so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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