He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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