tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
