Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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