i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
