oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Randomize
