every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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