he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
