tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
