Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
