so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
